Michael Jackson now Mikaeel

Popstar Michael Jackson, singer of such hits as Black or White and Man or Woman, has converted to Islam, declaring that it was the religion closest to his personal beliefs. The news has left people across the world scratching their heads, wondering which part of plastic surgery, paedophilia or the moonwalk was endorsed by Islamic theology. Jackson has also, in affirmation, changed his name to Mikaeel and built a mosque in Bahrain. A friend of the Rock and Roll Hall of Famer hoped that Mikaeel would help repair the extremist image of Islam by lending his face to the faith.

Page3: Heidi Klum

Heidi Klum in a kali suit.

Geelani Spitter may be Llama in Disguise

From our Legal Desk:

Prof. Geelani, it is understood, plans to initiate legal proceedings against ABVP and its activists who fired phlegmatic criticism at his face during his seminar on communalism. While Mr. Sam Menon, renowned legal counsel of the Calcutta High Court is appearing on behalf of the professor, the OWD has reasons to believe that the ABVP activist will present his own defence. Intense and uncontrollable salival activity, laid down in S.23 of the IPC, is being taken up as a defence. Both parties have refused to comment on the merits of the case.

ABVP Statement: “We protested peacefully, maybe a few stones were thrown, that’s all. Our party condemns spitting at any level.”

Maradona appointed coach

Diego Maradona, the greatest handball player ever, has been appointed Head Coach of the Argentinian football team. Though with no coaching experience or credentials, his hands-on approach to football is expected to shake things up. Lionel Messi, widely regarded as the successor to Maradona, said that he was looking forward to the latter's inspirational presence in the dressing room. The OWD has found out that Maradona has already ordered 3 kgs of powdered inspiration from Colombia to get things started.

Happy Deepavali!

The OWD wishes its readers a loud Deepavali. Deepavali (or Diwali) is an Indian festival of noise. Deafening detonations fill the air, even though the old-fashioned are content to just light lamps around their houses. The new trend nowadays is to include motorists in the festivities by throwing crackers at moving vehicles.

New face of the Space Race

The Space Race was a manifestation of the Cold War through the 1960's. Now, with India launching Chandrayaan 1, it has entered version 2, with the competitor being the other half of the world's population - the Chinese.

Version 2 is not about state ideologies, but about the Man in the Moon. Following the launch of Chang'e 1 in 2007, the Chinese declared that the lunar visage was distinctly Mongoloid. ISRO's scientists refuse to countenance this claim, countering that they suspect the face to be Dravidian-looking.

The OWD is quite bamboozled by this space spat. One could easily arrive at a modus vivendi, agreeing on an Assamese Man in the Moon, and get down to finding thorium.