Terrorists Chase Tourists out of God's Own Country

And as for the recent terror strikes in Mumbai, Kerala's tourism industry, already reeling beneath the impact of global recession, appears to have taken a devastating blow. The Tourism Working Group for Crisis Management estimates that there will be a fall of at least 30 percent in the arrival of foreign tourists this year, despite falling crude oil prices, desperately slashed tourist package rates, special offers on 'curative and restorative' Ayurveda packets, and even the Kerala Tourism Development Council's recent announcement to set up India's first marina at Bolghatty Isle in Kochi, to cater to booming yacht tourism and leisure boating activities.
Industry bigwigs, worried that the locals will cash in on the plummetting costs of a luxury holiday in God's Own Country, are keen to sustain the image of a high-end tourist destination.

The OWD, for its part, suggests to its largely proletariat readers, that the time is ripe for a luxury holiday in Kerala.

keralatourism.org, the official website of the Tourism Department, for its part, congratulates itself on winning the PC World Web Award, 2008.

Michael Jackson now Mikaeel

Popstar Michael Jackson, singer of such hits as Black or White and Man or Woman, has converted to Islam, declaring that it was the religion closest to his personal beliefs. The news has left people across the world scratching their heads, wondering which part of plastic surgery, paedophilia or the moonwalk was endorsed by Islamic theology. Jackson has also, in affirmation, changed his name to Mikaeel and built a mosque in Bahrain. A friend of the Rock and Roll Hall of Famer hoped that Mikaeel would help repair the extremist image of Islam by lending his face to the faith.

Geelani Spitter may be Llama in Disguise

From our Legal Desk:

Prof. Geelani, it is understood, plans to initiate legal proceedings against ABVP and its activists who fired phlegmatic criticism at his face during his seminar on communalism. While Mr. Sam Menon, renowned legal counsel of the Calcutta High Court is appearing on behalf of the professor, the OWD has reasons to believe that the ABVP activist will present his own defence. Intense and uncontrollable salival activity, laid down in S.23 of the IPC, is being taken up as a defence. Both parties have refused to comment on the merits of the case.

ABVP Statement: “We protested peacefully, maybe a few stones were thrown, that’s all. Our party condemns spitting at any level.”

Maradona appointed coach

Diego Maradona, the greatest handball player ever, has been appointed Head Coach of the Argentinian football team. Though with no coaching experience or credentials, his hands-on approach to football is expected to shake things up. Lionel Messi, widely regarded as the successor to Maradona, said that he was looking forward to the latter's inspirational presence in the dressing room. The OWD has found out that Maradona has already ordered 3 kgs of powdered inspiration from Colombia to get things started.

Happy Deepavali!

The OWD wishes its readers a loud Deepavali. Deepavali (or Diwali) is an Indian festival of noise. Deafening detonations fill the air, even though the old-fashioned are content to just light lamps around their houses. The new trend nowadays is to include motorists in the festivities by throwing crackers at moving vehicles.

Breathing in public to be banned

Buoyed by the response to his pet project - the ban on smoking in public places, India's health minister Anbumani Ramadoss is preparing to take on a greater challenge. Singling out carbon dioxide as the most dangerous, but avoidable GHG, he plans to attack a root cause - breathing. "Everyone has the right to an excessive CO₂-free atmosphere", he breathed.

Dr Ramadoss also clarified that he is not banning breathing altogether - people can breathe within the confines of their homes, for instance.

Resurrection

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days left

Battle for OWD comes to a head

The Ontario Women's Directorate levelled further allegations against the OWD today, accusing the daily of sexual harrasment. The Directorate had earlier moved the Ontario High Court, citing trademark infringement.

The OWD legal expert Arun Mohan had this to say about the lawsuit - "Trademark enfranchisement what?"

A spokesperson for the Canadian organisation insisted that they were not blowing up the controversy to increase their Google Page rankings. Regarding allegations that the site content was largely misogynist, Pariah from the OWD said, "Three of the members of the Edit Team are women. Our journalism is fair and lovely."

Hatshepsut, reconstructed

Egyptian researchers released a digitally reconstructed image of pharaoh Hatshepsut today. It was last week that the team led by Dr. Zahi Hawass identified the mummy found in KV 60 as that of the female pharaoh.

The digital image shows Hatshepsut in Egyptian regalia and offers fascinating insights into her times. For instance, chest enhancement seems to have been prevalent, though it is likely that only royalty had access to the technology.

PMS bigger than poverty

An international conference in Oman has concluded that the biggest problem the world faces today is not pollution or poverty, but PMS. Studies reveal that the intensity of PMS-induced depression and anger in women is steadily on the rise, causing considerable social tension.

The YNUM (You Never Understand Me), which supports women during this phase, has proposed an initiative to lessen the strain by offering subsidized medication, gift coupons and punching bags in colours ranging from fuschia to lavender.

V.R. Laydeighs, president of YNUM tells us,

"It is time our trauma was understood. Women are a strong and emancipated people who need constant help, understanding and support.”

“Balls.”, said an audience member, sporting a purple bruise above his left eyebrow.

The conference ended with choir of sulking women singing 'I'm down', by the Beatles "just to cheer things up a bit."

Indian President-elect publishes findings

Women took to the purdah for protection from Mughal invaders, claims renowned Mughal historian Pratibha Patil in her new book The Purdah Protectorate. The feminist scholar is also first in line to the seat of President of India, after being nominated from the women's quota in the Houses of Parliament. However, another Mughal historian, William Darlymple rubbished the findings - "She just wants to sell her books."

Ms. Patil was not available for comment as she was communing with ghosts on Mt. Abu.

Britain - Golden Brown?

Barely hours after Gordon Brown took over as the new PM of the United Kindgom, the OWD has come across a government directive to promote the Golden Brown (Pluvialis apricaria) as the national bird. Mr. James Finch, Secretary of Bird-Brained, a pan-UK ornithology society, said, "This is an outrage! We simply cannot have a national bird. There are too many of them and Britain is a democratic nation!"

The Golden Brown

There was a similar move in the eighties to give the Common Garden Thatcher (Psittacula firmicus) the same status, which went out owing to massive public discontent.

Tupua Tamasese is new O le Ao o le Malo

June 16, Samoa: Tupua Tamasese Tupuola Tufuga Efi has been elected as the new O le Ao o le Malo (Head of State) of Samoa after an unusually long meeting of the Fono (Parliament). Despite his being the only name in contention, the session lasted for over two hours. A lesser-named source informs us that this was due to the mandatory roll-call of members present and a stuttering speaker. Tupua Tamasese is also a two-time Tra la la la La (Prime Minister).

Editor: The OWD apologises for the one-week delay in reporting. This was due to difficulties in locating Samoa on the planet.

In Concert

The Fund My Education Charity Concert, will take place on July 7th, organisers announced today. The concert will feature the greatest names in rock music, including Bob Dylan, U2, Coldplay and Elvis Presley.

All proceeds from the concert will go towards funding the further education of Pariah.

World Music Day

The summer solstice plays host to the Fête de la Musique, a festival that began in France in 1982 and since has been celebrated in many more countries. The OWD participates in this festival of music and freedom and offers to its readers, -

The gift of free music - Limewire.

No Sir, or we kill

The BBC received a video late this evening showing an unidentified gunman holding a gun to the head of the abducted British High Commissioner to Pakistan. The gunman is shown shouting threats in Arabic: "Al hilal halal jihad mujaffar" (translation unavailable). This follows an official statement of displeasure by the Pakistan Govt about the British Govt's decision to knight controversial Indian-born author Salman Rushdie.

Here for more on this...

Related News:
British High Commissioner to Pakistan abducted.
Salman Rushdie to be knighted.